What’s it like to have people in your head? Something I wouldn’t wish on the devil herself. Ever seen Sense8? Well, I understand why some took up heroin. It’s been a long time since I’ve contemplated suicide, but I am certainly there. For now, I’m gonna head to the bottle instead. I’m at the tail end of this goddamn rebirth and it’s time to utilize my vices.
I’ve done the fucking breath work, exercising, journaling, healthy eating, and cried to a friend. And yet, I find myself in hell. There are still more lessons to be learned.
I remember feeling this low as a young teenager, often times not knowing who was in my head. It took a while to understand the context of the voices and how to set aligned boundaries. Fast forward fifteen years and I feel I’m a teenager again except this second puberty is worse than the first. I may have the knowledge and experience to navigate this round more effectively, but it is still extremely difficult.
I’ve had to learn to fight back in a way I never had to before. I’ve never been a fighter, I’m a peacemaker. I don’t like drama, truly, never have and haven’t had much conflict with friends. When I sense disharmony, I just protect my aura and then I’m OK. Not this time.
Protecting myself was not the lesson. I’m quite good at protecting myself, I’m not good at fighting back. I’d rather avoid conflict because I usually know shit is going to blow up, big time, and I don’t like it. Over the years I’ve become much better at confronting disharmony, when necessary. I’ve learned how to sense when it’s time to take action in the external world and when to lay low. Timing is everything since, life, nature has it’s own triumphant cycles.
LOVE. I had to FIGHT back with LOVE. The heart center is most powerful, it’s a haven which requires self-respect. I don’t have to listen, I just have to love. Became my mantra. Preserved my sanity. My HEART, not my mind, saved me.
There’s no way I’d be alive today without my heart being as strong as it is, I would’ve killed myself long ago. I am not afraid of death or ashamed of suicide. I’ve always seen it as a comforting option, a way out of this fucked up world. It’s helped, empowered me, to remember that I have that option. It’s helped me to feel less trapped and encouraged me to fight for my life because I know I chose, every day I choose, to be here for a reason.
When the mind becomes completely disorienting, the heart is key. Love is always SAFE, the heart is HOME.